I have never before performed in a Church. To be honest, I've never wanted to. My shows about the challenges of modern family life aren't all tea and toast and I've worried that occasional blasphemies or references to bodily functions might be inappropriate in places of worship. However, last night I had no choice as the booking was made on my behalf. In rehearsal I discovered that during the show I took the Lord's name in vain on three separate occasions and used other impolite expletives on three others. Indeed, there is a whole scene dedicated to the use of a family swearbox. This worried me, and over the course of the week I have experimented with the substitution of other words. I'll have to give an example, if you'll mind my language. At one point I say as if to a 5 year old "For Christ's sake, Freddie, get that bloody thing off me." referring to a snail which has got stuck to my face. I considered substitutions for Christ and bloody. They needed to be rude words at least because that line is immediately followed by the imposition of a fine for swearing. Running through my mental dictionary of swearwords I realised that every alternative would actually be worse. You have to try it. Substitute Christ and bloody in the sentence for bodily functions/sexual acts and the sentence becomes far more offensive, viz. "FFS Freddie, get that sh***y/p***ing thing off me." So I stuck with Christ and bloody and braced myself for an enraged gasp from the audience. Luckily it didn't come.
I always think it's a good idea to appear relaxed before a show when talking to the promoter. It's a trick I learned as a barrister: Never good to show the client that you are nervous. So before the audience gathered I chatted to the Church Warden and he told me a story about the bats in the belfry which come out when the heating is on at night. Bats!?! I have inherited an irrational fear of bats from my father who claimed to have got one caught in his hair as a young man. I really didn't fancy the idea of bats swooping and diving at me during my show (though one consolation would have been that any involuntary expletives would have been in character, I suppose). Luck was with me once more, however, and the bats remained in the belfry throughout the performance.
The Church had been equipped with a makeshift stage. It was rather small, so I improvised and incorporated the pulpit into the performance, making it double as a bedroom. (I know!) I walked up and down the steps a couple of times and felt that this new layout worked really well. The organisers had been very concerned that I should not trip or graze my shins on the edges of the Church structure and furniture and reminded me more than once to be careful. "Oh I'll be fine." I said airily, pumped full of adrenalin just before the show went up. After the Church Warden's introduction the houselights went down, the stage lights went up, my cue to enter was played over the sound system and I descended from my pulpit boudoir, caught my foot on the edge of the staging and stumbled into the limelight, narrowly avoiding a fall flat on my face. Third time lucky? No chance. I was in a Church, after all, wherein superstition has no place.
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